Saturday, September 30, 2006

Fucking game over alright

This evening I had the misfortune of being exposed to a 30 minute section of Spy Kids 3. My hands, being in no position to change the channel, were occupied washing the dishes after my woman had yet again, "fell down some stairs" and was spending the evening in the emergency room. God damn that was some wooden acting; Ricardo Montalban, I've fucked inflatable dolls with more expression. Oh well, guess I'll check out some the offerings over at the free nude photo club.

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Friday, September 29, 2006


Yeah so many of you will have noticed the drop in posts over the last few weeks. Can't be helped, work has been giving me the rod of "we're going to shove this up your ass and shit on your corpse". Speaking of shit, did you know that all those makeshift crosses you find along the road side come in real handy when you need to scrape dog business off of your shoes?

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Cocks or tits?

In relation to my previous post, Kryz had this to say "I would prefer hitting the nudge button and a perfect set of cans come out and rub themselves on my face." Mmm, that's a good point Kryz. Certainly I think all heterosexual men and women would prefer to see a set of double d's pressed up against their monitor, gyrating ever so smoothly. However when I converse with someone I like to assert my dominance; I want my listeners to know who they're dealing with; a man, a man's man. To achieve this I like to start all my conversations with a firm handshake and the announcement of both the girth and length of my penis. On the Internet I feel I can convey this dominance more effectively with an appropriately sized cock beating against their screens.

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Monday, September 25, 2006

Nudge this

In version 7 of MSN Messenger, Microsoft introduced the attention-getting feature "Nudge". For those of you not familiar with it, Nudge basically shakes the recipient’s conversation window around the screen like some over-caffeinated three year old. Yes it's a great way to annoy friends and co-workers, but I think Microsoft really dropped the ball on this one. I think a far more salient device would be a "turkey slap" button; here the recipient’s window would mutate into a giant penis graphic, and proceed to "slap" itself against the monitor screen. Now that would grab someone's attention.

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A perfect circle

I just caught an interesting segment on SBS which was talking about the possibility of a bioterrorist attack on the US food system. I find the concept has an ironic form of completion: America is the fattest nation on earth, a by-product of the capitalist machinery whose symbol was destroyed in 2001. To then cause Americans to starve with a disruption of their food supply would bring closure; the destruction of both the start and end points in the mechanism of greed. Join the fight kids; let’s make Iran the next Iraq by bombing the entire Middle East into dust!

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This post contains words

Today I happened to watch a commercial for the latest childhood shit fest from Sony films, when I noticed that it had been classified as containing "mild themes". What the fuck is “mild themes”? If Sony's latest Playstation 3 press release efforts are anything to go by, a more appropriate label may be "warning, contains traces of a barely fucking passable storyline."

Like the PS3, I'm sure the movie will be patchwork construction of phonemes selected by a stochastic dictionary algorithm, spattered amongst 100 billion dollars worth of special effects that will leave kids scratching their heads while looking at the empty space in their wallets going "I paid how fucking much to see that?"

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Stairway to heaven

Holy gridlock, the freeway was fucking immobile today; fuck you very much Captain James Cook. Hunched over the wheel like a seething ball of tritium, I came across a beat-up old Volvo with a "protected by angels" bumper sticker. As I passed the window I looked inside to see a middle-aged woman with crystals hanging from her rear-view mirror. I swear at that moment I wanted nothing more than to ram her car over the freeway bridge and watch it explode on impact. "Where are your angels now you stupid hippy bitch? Here's a hint, people who are stupid enough to believe in crystals and angles die poor and exploited."

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Free lunch

I saw titties today, in the flesh. Honest to God beautiful titties and vagina. I didn't even have to buy them a drink or pay admission.

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Monday, September 18, 2006

Manic Bitch

Have you ever noticed how unbelievably perky the people on cheaply done commercials are? Jesus, I was just watching some blinds ad on TV and I swear the girl they had must've been some crazy bipolar bitch. How can you get that excited about blinds? Fucking blinds

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Where do you do it?

I was chatting with my friend Methusael this morning about the effectiveness of gas chambers, and he happened to remark that it's never too early to start jerking off. With that I mind, I'm going to go "discover myself" and I present to you the next Black Bile Box quiz.

Where do you like to masturbate
On the bed
At the computer
Over my girlfriend while she's sleeping
In my girlfriend's mouth or other various holes
During my sleep so I wake to a big sticky fuck-off mess
Upside down so it hits me in the face
Outside a private girls school
All of the above
Free polls from

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Friday, September 15, 2006

An older generation

I love old Schwarzenegger films, some of them are so sexist they almost make me forget about his shit acting. Still, nothing says 80's entertainment like a speech impediment and a room full of corpses.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Pope's epic smackdown

The pope gave the Islamic world a much overdue verbal backhand the other day in his speech when he quoted a 14th century Christian emperor, saying "show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." But Ratzinger's got to use something a little harsher than words if he's going to stop the spread of Islam in Europe.

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Cool Teens

On SBS they just had a segment about teenagers and anxiety. On they show they had this total fucking babe talking about the various methods kids could use to lower and control the disorder, and that there was now an informational CD called "cool teens". Fuck that lame sounding title CD-ROM shit off, all you need to do to reach male teens is have that milf talking about "tension release strategies" in a sultry voice while wearing a bikini. Should could even play with her nipples a little bit. You know, if she wanted to help.

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Chicks with cats

Some nights when I get a little bored I like to head over to online dating sites to have a laugh at the female profiles. Ranging from sedate images of honest lonely hearts to full-frontal "crown of thorns" shots, not only is this resource good for a chuckle, it's also rather erotic. However there is one image type that I can't help but laugh deliriously at. Chicks with cats. Yes ladies, we know you love cats, but the association of "crazy old spinster with 40 cats" just reverberates from your photos.

I tell you, nothing says "I haven't been fucked by another human being in more than 2 years because I have emotional dependency issues" than a picture with you and your cat. We all know where you're getting your "emotional needs" from, and that you would trade that pussycat in a heartbeat for a big dose of hard cock. I find these profiles the most delicious because there's nothing I like more than creating a blistering hot fake profile and sending these eternally lonely bitches free "hugs and kisses". And they wonder why I never reply.

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Monday, September 11, 2006

Ride the blond pony

Paris Hilton's new CD is so bad you'll want punch yourself in your vagina if you buy it. No one could possibly purchase or waste value bandwidth stealing this anti-melodic atrocity. It's so bad that it needs to come with the following label: "Warning, purchasing this CD will increase your likelihood of vaginal tearing by 80%."

I don't normally support non-state-sanctioned acts of dissidence, but Bansky did the British community a fucking favour by replacing her CD and cover art with his own remixes. The fact that no one complained about the varying contents can only mean one of two things; (a) people who are sufficiently retarded to want to purchase a Paris Hilton CD couldn't tell the difference either visually or musically (40 Meg, linking post), or (b) upon leaving the store the customer realised the horrendous mistake they did and proceeded to blow their brains out all over the sidewalk.

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

Where are all the role models?

Today while watching The Transporter I was struck by the similitude used in movies to portray baddies. In many action films you can always tell who the bad guy is when the female star goads the bad guy into punching/slapping her in the face.

To be honest I'm a little confused by this connection; whenever I've struck my woman she's always been profusely apologetic, claiming it was her fault, and that she deserved it. In the majority of cases this is true, but even when it's not the woman should simply consider this back pay for all the little mistakes she hides from her man. It's little wonder that we're seeing a decline in morality across the Western world; slowly our fabric of order and discipline is being eroded by these erroneous cultural messages.

I strongly believe Hollywood filmmakers and authors need to rectify this situation immediately. There are numerous examples where male dominance could be layered into existing storylines. Take for example the Superman series, were Superman to backhand Lois Lane across the room every now and then, not only would it make the film orders more enjoyable, but young men everywhere would learn a valuable lesson about how to deal with hysterical women. Another scenario could be at the conclusion of Rocky I, when Adrian runs to hug Rocky. Rather than embracing his woman, Rocky should give her a swift right hook, preferably breaking her cheek bone, in return for doubting Rocky and not wanting him to fight in the first place. These are just two examples, but there are many more for which legislation should be drawn up to force Hollywood to re-shoot these scenes.

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Thursday, September 07, 2006

Fucking Spanglish

Argh, I just found out that I downloaded four episodes of Grey's Anatomy in Spanish voiceover. GOT DAMN YOU MISLABELLED TORRENTS, NO ONE SPEAKS THAT MONKEY LANGUAGE ANYWAY!

Yeah that's right, I dream of fucking Meredith Grey, Christina Yang and Izzie Stevens at the same time. But there isn't a penis alive that wouldn't. Except for gay men, and that's why they're gay; designed by God so they can't breed and pass on the stupid gene that would turn down that threesome.

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Quote time

This morning I web surfed across the following quote "The human brain is the most complex organ known to biology and the second most complex entity in the universe - the first being the universe itself." This may be true, but it is made even truer if we replace the words "The human brain" with "My penis", and the word "complex" with "important".

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A Postmodern wank just sounds cooler

The astute reader may have noticed that in my first Black Bile Box post I declared myself to be a modernist. Why did I use that word? Something that has irked me now for quite some time is the obsession with and flippant application of the term "postmodernism" in today's society. Pseudo-intellectual discussions toss the word around with similar propensity that armchair computer and border security analysts use the term "biometrics" as the solution to all problems.

I use the term modernist not because I reject the criticisms put forward by postmodernist thinkers, but instead to highlight my distaste for the touchy-feely, spiritual, outside-the-box, next-gen, holistic, natural-therapy, can't be explained by rational thought, pentasyllabic (to quote an angry LJ'er), deconstructionist, unjustified pile of fucking wank (to paraphrase Chomsky) that these people extol. You use the term postmodernism because you want to sound hip, not because you know what it means. You use the term postmodernism because you don't have the intellectual grunt required to rationalise a problem, to form cogent, syllogistic progressions and instead wave your hands around and use either enormous words to confuse and shame, or instead claim science can't explain everything so let’s turn back the clock and embrace some form of East-West synergistic bullshit.

On the former, there's nothing wrong with trying to expand one's vocabulary, but there's point beyond which it is done with the sole intent of exclusion and ego-stroking. Listening to the latter case is like listening to the words of religious freaks from a thousand years ago only phrased in a new vernacular. It's been said that death and taxes are the only constants in life, I'd like to add "elitism and blind faith" to that list.

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Mini Mario

Hot off the press: It's a Mario! Princess peach gives birth to baby boy. I'm sure all that naughty "slumming" sex she had with the palace's Italian plumber was fantastic, but it sure doesn't compare to the beautiful gift he left in her uterus.

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Unearthed Rage

This story is a bloody outrage. How dare they propose to unearth Mussolini! This man was a hero, a patriot, and one who championed the cause of justness; he should be left to rest in peace. The Man and Mussolini had a "Pact of Steel"; we must honour Mussolini for his vision and foresight in this, he must not be tossed around for the triviality of history. We must continue to honour his memory, the accord and all that it stood for!

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

Fatties on Air

If you're ever at home during the day you're bound to channel surf across a couple of midday television shows. I'm so fucking goddamned sick of seeing these gratuitous American whining women talkback sessions. It seems like they all have a contract to do at least five 'fat people are beautiful too' shows per season. Here's an insider hint from reality: you're not beautiful, and guys with a healthy Body Mass Index will never think you are. What they are doing is pandering to the stay-at-home female demographic, which being American is almost certainly overweight and self-loathing. These shows are not telling you that it's OK to be a blimp, what they are doing is telling all you fat people what you'd like to hear. These shows are the worst kind of perversion and manipulation, they do nothing to solve the problem and instead prey on the fears and vulnerabilities of stupid people; that's the Internet's job! Snap out of dream land girls, get off the couch, and get those Twinkie fat rolls you call fingers stuck down your throat.

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An old favourite

After the last few posts, and on the advice of Kryz, I felt it was time to lower the tone of Black Bile Box once again. Heidi Klum has been a faithful member of my spank bank for some time, so I thought it was time to pay her my regards.

I'd like to do the following to Heidi's picture
Masturbate over it
Masturbate over it again
Pin it on the wall of my freakish Heidi Klum stalker collage
Glue it to the face of my girlfriend
Pin on my girlfriend's bedroom door with the caption "this is what a real woman looks like"
Burn it, along with my hard drive
All of the above
Free polls from

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The Feminine Bonsai

This morning I sat and looked upon a bonsai tree. During that brief period of reflective analogical thought, I wondered if the nonliteral chains and restrictions I place upon a woman also have a similar restraining effect. Are women capable of more than simply housework? But then I realised that bonsai trees don't have great tits. Nature, like woman, is simply man's plaything. And like the bonsai, women are purely decorative and serve no functional purpose besides a little bit of (CO2) cleaning.

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Crazy John's forums at massively reduced prices!

I think that all forum threads which discuss religious or political content should come with a big seizure-inducing .GIF at the start with a warning that the resulting cerebral damage of the seizure will probably be less than the damage caused from reading the thread.

In order to engage in democratic fire stoking I'm forced to read these vortexs of hate, hypocrisy, emotional ranting and misery, and each time I do I feel like I've hammered yet another 4.5 inch nail into my frontal lobes.

I compare the types of people who inhabit these caves to the mentally disabled rats we run through mazes; you know, the type that keep pressing the button which jolts them with a 20,00o volt electric current rather than rapidly learning to press the one which dispenses food. Let me save you all some time: you're not going to change anyone's opinion. Any discussion by partisan supporters, the type who are committed enough to debate on political forums, is purely an emotional one.

To summarise the study: "When 30 self-described partisans were presented with contradictory quotes about the [political] candidates ..., it was the portions of the brain that process emotion, not rational thinking, that became active. "The thinking caps went off and the feeling caps went on," [normally] a brain faced with contradictory information will fire up the zones where reason or rational thought happens. [Additionally, the] research does demonstrate that centrists or independents are more able to process rational and non-emotional political information."

But it's not all bad, at least these people (both left and right-wing) are in there wasting their time rather than outside damaging society. Keep it up!

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Friday, September 01, 2006

The "Go Fuck Yourself" Steph Show

I hate the Channel 10 marketing machine; it spews out mercantile shit using the very cheapest of labor. One such human abortion is "The Steph Show". Like many pop music-tv marriages these days, fuck-you Idolclits, the resultant music is typically a steaming pile of post-production shit. This no talent hack has her music written for her, sounds like Kelly Clarkson, and is produced by the same mob, a fact the show makes no attempt to hide in its continual name dropping of Kelly. Big mistake removing the eternal 6pm Simpsons slot Channel 10; watching the same Simpson's episode for the 24th time is more entertaining and produces far less rage. Give up now bitch and go back to acting, music reached perfection with Richard Wagner anyway.

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