Monday, August 27, 2007

The little things

I like subscribing to mailing lists using rude or obnoxious titles. That way when I start receiving their shitty image-laden mail with the chirpy opening "Hello Dickface!" I get to write a long winded diatribe complaining of their abuse of customers, blaming the renaming on some disgruntled employee.

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Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saturday afternoon with Methusael

<Jasper> There is a fitch in the office across from mine, she is blond with big knockers.
<Jasper> Naturally I love her for her intellect. And the fact that she may sleep with me
<Methusael> Naturally.
<Methusael> Take some covert photography of her, I will help you find an angle.
<Jasper> I normally like to go in perpendicular, if you understand my meaning.
<Methusael> EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
<Jasper> Well you see, if you attempt entry at too shallow an angle to her personality, you run the risk of total internal reflection, where she will deflect your meagre approach.
<Jasper> Most people try to optimise entry by an angle of incidence 45deg to the perpendicular, a mix of idle chatter and deeper psychological exchange.
<Jasper> I on the other hand prefer the 90deg level of entry. I start baring humiliating personal deficits in my character, along with intimate personal details about herself, revealing that I've been monitoring her closely for weeks.
<Jasper> I find this approach typically penetrates a girl's psyche, leaving her speechless, at which point courting can commence

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Friday, August 24, 2007


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Monday, August 20, 2007

Conversations with Methusael

<Jasper> I plan to go to the doctor tomorrow
<Methusael> Why's that? You unwell?
<Jasper> I've been coughing quite a bit since i got back from overseas, phlegmy.
<Methusael> Tubercolosis, my friend.
<Jasper> I'm sure it's late-stage
<Jasper> So I wiki'd it
<Methusael> Wikipedia ... for all your medical diagnosis needs.
<Jasper> Yeah, if only I had a panicy news report to back up my worries
<Jasper> Maybe I should go and engage in sexual intercourse with men
<Jasper> and monkeys
<Jasper> try and pick up syphilis and mutant aids
<Jasper> and top it off with raw chicken from Asia for a case of bird flu
<Jasper> then have sex with every woman in my city
<Methusael> It would almost be worth it.
<Methusael> Just for the stirring yarns you could tell your kids.
<Methusael> And I'm assuming you could father QUITE A FEW.
<Methusael> You'd be dead before they could understand your stories, but that hardly matters.
<Jasper> I'd write them all letters
<Jasper> to be delivered at some exact moment in the future
<Jasper> at some exact place
<Jasper> with their exact name
<Jasper> and sign it from Doc.

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