Thursday, August 17, 2006

My teen angst

Livejournals gave rise to something hideous. They single-handedly raised the Internet Shit Ratio by 10 (ISR = shit information/quality information). When the whinygates opened, a torrent of pure unadulterated Western stool, straight from the living rooms of middle-class families, flowed onto servers everywhere. The Internet began to groan under the pressure. The critical infrastructure that carried these little bits and bytes of joy began dropping; routers and switches the world over began shedding tears of empathy and agony, single-handely short-circuiting themselves into oblivion in some bizarre display of pact-suicide. Little did we know that it would soon give birth to something even more horrific; teen goth poetry. Tim Berners-Lee once remarked “You affect the world by what you browse”. If that were true, the world would have committed suicide 5 years ago.

I stand before you pimply faced skinny teens with an important message, the world hates you. It has singled you out, your precious emotional existence, and decided for you a fate of pain and disappointment. You're right, they won't ever notice you, and yes, you are completely worthless, and yes, oh God yes, nobody but your Livejournal friends understand you. It is possible to cry yourself to death, just ask Neang Kong-Rei. If you're really lucky, you may even turn yourself into a lump of inanimate carbon and finally provide some use to the planet. So please, cry into your pillows until they flow like a river of misunderstood angst.

The problem today is that we lack community. We need to bring back group orientated social structure. Once upon a time your parents would simply ship you off for a 5 year stint in the Deutsches Jungvolk. I tell you, nothing builds moral fibre and social responsibility like a loaded rifle and a moral compass from God. I can think of nothing more terrifying, an Emo Army. They would be the first wave in any frontal assault. Their aim would be to make the enemy kill themselves with tears and bayonets.


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